Say you made one million pounds in 2021

You did this by selling SEX VIBRATORS to LONELY WOMEN at the LANARKSHIRE COUNTY RUBBER WIGGLER CONVENTION.

It was a great year for rubber wigglers, and butt lube sales were also through the roof. Just a fantastic time for the whole industry. 

Thankfully, your vibrator manufacturing infrastructure has been in place for many years, and you stay on top of advancements in materials and design, plus there are government subsidies for large-scale wiggler production. Profit is steady and secure.

But oh no! War has broken out on the continent! There is a MAJOR DISRUPTION in the VIBRATOR SUPPLY CHAIN! 

You are counting on that million pounds in 2022! You already have your flights booked to the WARM GEL CONVENTION in Athens, and you need to pay your DIRTY UNDERWEAR BILL! Whatever will you do?!

Well, let’s see: Let’s say it costs you £10 to make a really top-notch, super long, very ergonomic vibrator that really wiggles those hard to reach places. First you need the raw materials (RUBBER, and AN ELECTRIC WIGGLER), which are sent to your SEX FACTORY to be assembled and hand painted by the art department. That’s all there is to it. The rubber costs £2.5 and the small yet powerful wiggler costs £6, plus a minor (yet in your eyes vital) £1.5 for some really vibrant paint.

Your production costs and wages are steady because you have a small yet dedicated team of RUBBER WIGGLER MANUFACTURERS that know their jobs and do them well. Your outgoing expenses are consistent because this isn’t your first SEX RODEO. Therefore, every year since you first had the dream of making aesthetically pleasing sexual prosthetics for the lonely and/or horny you have sold forty to fifty thousand “units” (that’s an industry term, which in this case represents RUBBER WIGGLERS) at a retail price of £40 each. Quite an impressive markup, but you have added VALUE to people’s VAGINAS AND BUTTS, and they are happy to pay it.

Your outgoing expenses, not counting raw materials, are £100,000 per year. That covers wages, utilities, shipping and distribution, dry cleaning, the company dental plan, rent on your vibrator factory, dry ice, wet ice, petrol for the unmarked van you bought when the company car got vandalised, and marketing. So it costs, every year, £100,000 plus raw materials to run the best god damned vibrator manufacturing company in Scotland, if not the whole of the UK.

So how many RUBBER WIGGLERS do you have to sell (at a very reasonable, especially for the WIGGLE QUALITY, £40) to consistently make a million pounds a year in profit?

MATH(S):

£1,000,000 (profit)

£100,000 (outgoings)

£??? (materials) (obviously this depends on WIGGLE DEMAND)

If we assume making £1,600,000 will cover the whole thing with some to spare then that is your target for the year, meaning you would need to sell roughly 40,000 SEX DEVICES to ensure you cover all costs and meet demand, plus make that £1,000,000 you want so you can go to the best LATEX WALTZES and DOUBLE-ENDED BRUNCHES that bring such joy into your life.

40,000 x £10 (rubber/wigglers/paint) = £400,000 (materials)

40,000 x £40 (retail price) = £1.6 million 

£1.6 million - £500,000 (£400K materials + £100K outgoings) = £1.1million in PROFIT

BOOM. There you go. Only a fool could fail to sell 40,000 “units” of top quality RUBBER WIGGLERS in a country this LONELY and HORNY. You do it every year! You’re on easy street!

But wait! We were so caught up in SEX MATH we forgot about the ECONOMIC CRISIS! 

The cost of rubber has LITERALLY DOUBLED! And there is an ELECTRIC WIGGLER SHORTAGE affecting almost all of the European Union! Thank fuck you use good old fashioned UK VIBRATOR PAINT, made right down in Yeovil. Still, this is a disaster for your rubber wiggler company. It now costs £5 in rubber, and £9 for the wigglers, plus inflation has pushed the cost of even UK-made vibrator paint to £2 per unit. 

SUDDENLY THE  DEPENDABLE RUBBER WIGGLER MANUFACTURING COSTS HAVE SPIRALLED TO AN UNPRECEDENTED £16 PER RUBBER WIGGLER! JUST TO MANUFACTURE! JUMPING JESUS ON A POGO STICK, WHO HAS HEARD OF SUCH A THING? AND WHAT DOES THIS DO TO YOUR BUDGET?!?

Well, your outgoings remain the same. The factory is good, the employees are seasoned pros, and you can even save a little on dry ice this year because of some internal feedback about its overuse. So that’s still £100,000 in outgoings. 

And, even though people are hurting and worried about the GLOBAL SITUATION, you still need that £1,000,000 in profit to go LUBE DIVING in Peru and you have to fly to Paris for the JIZZ MOP TRADE SHOW in August because there have been some really interesting developments in that industry and you don’t want to be out of the loop.

So now your materials costs to make 40,000 rubber wigglers is at £640,000 instead of £400,000. And, of course, at current prices you would instead need to sell another 4000 wigglers just to hit your targets, which would increase materials cost closer to £700,000. That’s a 75% increase!

Fucking-A, WIGGLE BOSS. Can you guarantee that there are another 4,000 horny customers out there? And how do you cope with the near doubling of your materials costs?!

I know it sounds crazy, but you could do one of several things:

1. Keep prices and distribution steady in a time of uncertainty, absorbing the added cost of production so that LONELY HORNY PEOPLE all over the country have something dependable and wiggly to cling to and/or sit on. This would mean you only make about £750,000 in 2022 and you would very likely have to skip the NOVELTY BUTTPLUG CONVENTION in Sacramento, including their absolutely legendary taco bar.
2. You could increase the cost of your product to £45, a 12.5% jump for the customer, and hope that sales remain steady despite the economic uncertainty prevalent in the world at the moment. Then you would make £1.8 million, which covers your materials increase and outgoings, and still leaves you your cool million in profit.
3. You could sell your rubber wigglers for £100 instead, citing the economic disruption and increased costs but inflating those costs to people who are bad at math and/or not allowed to see your books, and take advantage of the government subsidies given to the WIGGLER INDUSTRY to offset their costs, which would actually make 2022 the most profitable year for your company by a HUGE MARGIN even if you only sold 20,000 “units” but would set you up with so much cash you could retire at the end of the year if sales remained at current levels. 

You would make £4,000,000 just in 2022 alone, and less than a quarter of that is needed to run the company. It is not in any danger of failing or even incurring a single penny of debt. Its costs would be covered after you sold your first 1100 wigglers. 

In a regular year, with regular costs, and rubber wigglers selling for their previously totally acceptable £40/each, you would only have had to sell 4000 of them to break even. The other 36,000 were pure profit. 

Remember, almost all of this SEX MATH is dealing exclusively with a vibrator company that wants to make A MILLION POUNDS A YEAR IN PROFIT. At absolutely no point is it in danger not doing so. You could have been selling vibrators at £20/each this whole time and still made £300K a year. 

You could quadruple the cost of rubber and electric wigglers and it would still not be necessary to charge the consumer the original £40 for you to have a profitable company. Sure, it’s not going to make you a millionaire, but you won’t starve either, and your company is not in danger of closure.

(£10 rubber, £24 electric wiggle unit, £2 paint = £36 per wiggler to produce)

(£36 x  40,000 units = £1,440,000)

(£100,000 outgoings + £1,440,000 materials = $1.54 million operating costs)

(£40 retail wiggler price x 40,000 = £1.6 million, or £60,000 profit)

In what universe would it be necessary to quadruple the cost to the consumer? When would you ever need to charge someone $160 for a vibrator that only costs £10 to make? £20? Even £40?

When they have no choice, of course. When they have to use a long, ergonomic rubber wiggler or their children will starve or they will freeze to death. When they cannot eat or work or in any way exist in the modern world without your big, sleek, wiggly necessity.

Remember when Roosevelt said “I don’t want to see a single war millionaire created in the United States as a result of this world disaster” in response to WWII? Remember when we actually tried to discourage war profiteering and disaster capitalism? Of course you don’t, because that world is gone, and the one we live in is a joke.

I hate math(s), but I hope this little diatribe can help you make some sense of your current electricity situation, and the much worse one coming next month, and the absolutely bonkers one coming in March. I don’t need to make sense of it. I can spot a shower of cunts from a mile off (or 1.5km if that is easier to process), and that’s all I can spot these days, everywhere I look. You can’t throw a rock without nicking an absolute bastard running 100% on premium unleaded high-octane greed, from the politicians to the corporate fuckbags they work for to the wannabe coffee barons and bar owners on the local strip. It’s trickle-down corruption, and you’re the recipients of every level of shit dripping from above you.

I was trying to be an example of how to succeed from the opposite direction, but I didn’t count on the public utility sector being privatised, so … I failed. Got five good years out of it, though.

Thank fuck all those social media influencers tried so hard to shut me down last year, eh? It did actually take a pretty good chunk out of Nanika’s sales. That was a good use of everyone’s time, and did a lot of good for the world. Let them be your guiding light, paragons of honesty, virtue, and integrity that they are. The old fucks in charge are rotten to the core and have set up the system to retain their power and profits and the youth can be bribed to destroy their own future for a free cheeseburger or a pair of shoes.

Ah well, at least we’ll all still have Locavore to keep the “community” going this terrible winter. Who among us is not comforted by the thought of a £12 turnip? I know I am.

Stay LONELY, Glasgow, and stay HORNY. 

Somewhere out there is the last honest LUBE MIXER working his ass off to bring you what you really want for Christmas.