"... even the outraged mobs are screaming on autopilot. Even genuine crises can’t interrupt the tedium of it all, the bad jokes and predictable thinkpieces, spat-out enzymes to digest the world."

As we quickly approach the oft-anticipated return to chicken katsu and mildly numbing pork mince, we need to round out the roster.

We have full or part time availability for people who actually like to work at work, a dying art in the modern dystopia, I know.

I'm thinking of just sharpening six cleavers, dropping all applicants down the hatch and letting the most determined one clamber out to receive their apron. I Will post Cilijn at the top to crush the fingers of those who attempt to escape. She will, of course, do this while also chopping spring onions because she knows how to multitask.

Do you know anyone? I will give you £50 worth of free food if you provide me with a decent employee. That's like ... four full meals here because we are a shining beacon of value and affordability.